"is a fusion of the words reflection and inspiration. Reflection causes us to look at ourselves introspectively, to intimately question our life and existence. But without first deciding to make a change to what we discover, we will never move ahead from where we are. It is only when we choose to modulate our lives, will we then receive inspiration that propels us forward and upwards..."
- city harvest church, '11
really like this notebook that pastor prepared for us. brought to mind the prayer journal i used to keep back in primary school. as though it's in the season, 3g just returned to me my "first little book of prayer" which she has been keeping for me for many years. and as i read through it, i was reminded of how i used to be - quick to anger, mega fearful of the unknown, and absolutely unable to find any single part of myself to love. yeah, i laughed at the 11 years old me, so self-absorbed and inward-looking, totally lacking any sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
yet God loved me.
amazing.
as i read, i even felt ashamed that i was once like that. i choose to believe that i have grown from that old me. and once again i am certain that who else could have changed me, but You God.
i found the courage to love myself, to love my parents, because You first loved me.
many things have happened, and i havent found the time nor energy to blog about it.
at home, im slowly getting used to not seeing you at home. on day #1 i still didnt feel much, until the moment came when we said bye, and zoey innocently asked why is he not leaving with us, and the lift door closed with only kor and i inside. i swear i wanted to cry le. time and again i walk into the room and for a split moment expect to see him sitting there reading the bible, or i look into the bedroom and expect to see him asleep on the bed, or early in the morning when i dun hear his voice waking me up i walk out expecting to see him about to leave for work le, but nope the house is empty. for a moment i believed in your actions and i thought that maybe things could turn out differently, but after the huge drama last sunday, i know that that is not gonna work out.
at work, my 2 months of "slack period" is over. after my vietnam trip, i had my L&E, then ICPAS, then it was off to bangkok for our run anniversary trip (:
4d3n of much shopping and some sightseeing! really LOVE the shopping and MANGO STICKY RICE and COCONUT ICE CREAM and the sampan ride! i am so thankful that my run has really awesome people who are real and accepting, unlike some others i've heard about. Run 4 ftw! :D
shortly after Bkk we had our DnD dressing up as samurais! was really quite fun :D thank God for all these people who keep me going at work!
and this bunch of friends i made from the ocp trip. thank God for them too! since viet, we've had a number of outings, to eat as well as to exercise. just recently we went for badminton and now im aching all overrrrrr. but feels good (:
and in nov trang will be coming to sg and some of us will be heading to genting/kl for a short weekend getaway! wheee~
at church, it's more changes once again. w372 and n395 to combine as 1 cg under D, but at the same time to split into 3 connects groups to prepare for growth and multiplication. im having mixed feelings ba. i can understand the rationale behind it all. but somehow it seems like in every transition im always put together with people i have never been close to. i guess that's a way of teaching me how to build relationship with different people? over the past year, i have actually gotten quite comfortable with a number of the n395 ppl too, but i guess at least now we're all in the same cg :D excited yes, yet apprehensive. like i said, i know there are greater things in store, just that, not equipped i guess.. i dunno how to do it ba..
im still trying to find out what is God's calling for me. what is the one ministry that i will want to go all the way for You? i wanted to complete my cpa (yay at least i've passed my icpas :D) after 3 years, go to SOT, and then off to NIE, which is why i joined citycollege. but it has been so draining, i constantly asked myself why must i do this, teaching a subject i am not confident in, staying up late the nights before and dragging my feet to the school.
i've officially informed jasmine that im leaving the ministry. nevertheless, i dun regret joining. i started off wanting to know whether i can work with youths, whether i can teach and enforce class discipline, and whether i enjoy teaching. while i might not have gotten all my answers, but at least i know that i am able to connect with them, hmmm at least those that i've met in the past 6 mths, that i do enjoy helping youths, and also that teaching requires HARD WORK. kinda cast doubts on whether i really wanna go into teaching anymore actually.
so that's why i finally dropped this one commitment, and i have no regrets. just, feeling kinda guilty at my irresponsible behaviour. i was rather surprised that you were showing concern for me though. maybe i really did misunderstand you, but better to leave things like this than to dread every single week yeah?
- what are the "triggers" which, when stimulated, would cause me to feel small, not confident and thus put me down n cause me to withdraw from the situation n people?
- im glad i told you about him coz that has enabled me to wake up n move on, finally.
- yepp i agree with you that i will find someone who will love me in spite of my self-esteem issues. that really sounded comforting thank you (:
- you made my pancake shop dream sound not so much like a figment of my imagination, and im really excited to add a social value to it. i dunno how, yet, but im working on it!
- audit may not be meaningful, but i can find ways to make my time spent in pwc meaningful
i surprised myself at the extent that you T affected my thoughts. really cannot guess what you are thinking, but waiting for your replies made me upset so im not going to do that anymore. not gonna discount the possibility but im not going to expect anything after all.
not going to let these distract me.
